Ind. Par. Time. Guid. IV
Many parents, who require a degree of separation in their personal relationship but wish for an organized sharing of responsibilities in their parenting relationship, find the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines to be a helpful model. Some parents require less separation in their personal relationship and wish for a more seamless blending of child rearing practices in their two homes. The needs of these families may better be addressed by a model termed Shared Parenting.
In deciding whether or not a Shared Parenting plan meets the needs of their family, parents need to make a careful assessment of their family situation. The agreement and cooperation of the parents are essential elements of a successful shared parenting plan. In deciding whether or not to approve a Shared Parenting plan, judges need to conduct an independent inquiry to ensure the family meets standards predicting Shared Parenting success.
All Shared Parenting plans, by definition, make a deliberate effort to provide the child with two parents who are actively involved in that child's day to day rearing. As a consequence of an effectively implemented Shared Parenting plan, the child will spend time in the home of each parent as a resident, not a visitor. The home of each parent will be a place where the child learns, works, and plays. To effectively implement a Shared Parenting plan, each parent will need to do the work required to make his or her home a home base for the child.
The task of judging the capacity of parents for Shared Parenting is a complex one. The abilities of the individual parents and their ability to work together, the amount of work Shared Parenting would require of that unique family, and the costs to the child of both Shared Parenting and any alternative all require assessment. Successful Shared Parenting can insulate the child from most material and emotional losses which are frequently a consequence of parental separation. Unsuccessful Shared Parenting can accelerate the parental conflicts which are most predictive of emotional illness in children of separation / divorce.
The feeling that one is "at home" requires a degree of comfort and an element of routine. When children are "at home" they generally know what is expected of them. The patterns of day to day life in the home are understood and taken for granted. In this respect, day to day life requires less work "at home" than it does in more novel situations. Children often feel more relaxed. They are free to devote more energy to other things.
The rewards to the child who can naturally feel "at home" in the residences of both parents are significant. Day to day living can be focused more on growth and development, and less on adaptation. The task of providing two residences with a degree of consistency that makes them both feel like "home" to a child can be a substantial one. It is normally more challenging for two people whose relational conflicts cause them to decide to live separately. Longer term, children are more likely to enjoy living with both parents if the costs of doing so are small. They are less likely to shift to one home base, and simply visit with the other parent, as the demands of their academic and social lives increase.
Commentary
Factors Helpful in Determining the Capacity for Shared Parenting
Factors Related to the Child
Considerations:
The younger the child, the longer the period of time requiring joint work and the greater the number of decisions and accommodations required by the parents. Some children, from birth, are calmer and naturally better able to adapt to changes (easy temperament). Other children, from birth, naturally exhibit more distress in handling changes and daily discomforts (difficult temperament). These children require more time and more unified parental assistance in making transitions. Factors unique to the age and developmental needs of the child can require heightened degrees of accommodation on the part of parents. Examples include breastfeeding, time needed to develop special talents and interests, time needed to address educational limitations, and time needed for health-related therapies. Children with an established routine of being actively raised by both parents naturally need to make a smaller accommodation when transitioning to Shared Parenting. Children who have been raised by one parent predominantly can still benefit from Shared Parenting. However, the initial work required by the child to adjust to a routine involving both parents will be more substantial.Considerations:
The younger the child, the greater the number of years the child can receive the benefits of being actively raised by both parents. A well-executed Shared Parenting plan can thus be of greatest benefit when put into place early in a child's life. What are the needs of the child (physical, educational, emotional, other) that are impacted by the separation / divorce of the parents? Will Shared Parenting facilitate the ability of the parents to address these needs post-separation / divorce? In what significant ways does the child engage in the community outside the family? Will Shared Parenting facilitate this engagement post separation / divorce?Factors Related to the Parent
Consideration:
A parent motivated by interests, agreements, or rules which are shared with the other parent is more likely to see things as the other parent sees them. A parent who is motivated by personal interests, or a need to maintain fairness when faced with competing interests, is less likely to see things as the other parent sees them.Considerations:
Peaceful relationships do not require those involved to be highly similar or to be conflict-free. Peaceful living does require the ability to accommodate differences. For example, high energy children can be peacefully raised by lesser energy parents. The issue is one of accommodation. A lower energy parent may need to take steps to engage the high energy child in exercise activities outside the family. Peaceful living does require the ability to manage conflicts in a respectful way. Conflict erodes peace only when its expression causes pain and its resolution leaves that pain unaddressed.Factors Related to the Parent-Child Relationship
Factors Related to the Co-Parenting Relationship
Consideration:
A history of abusive behavior generally discourages a recommendation for Shared Parenting. Other variations of protracted parental misbehavior which do not rise to the level of being abusive can be so corrosive as to impact the emotional health of a parent and significantly work against the best interests of the child. Examples of behavior with such potential include:
the initiation of too frequent nonpurposeful text and email communication, the use of social media to criticize or embarrass the other parent, and violation of the reasonable physical boundaries that allow parents to lead separate lives.Consideration:
In order for Shared Parenting to feel comfortable, parents need to respond to each other with an implicit agreement regarding what constitutes timely response. Delays invite frustration and heighten the opportunity for negative interpretation. Parents who do not require a court to define "timely response" tend to be more in synch, and more motivated to collaborate. Parents who require a court to define "timely response" are less likely to have an innate talent for working together.
Consideration:
When a marriage is disintegrating, children commonly witness isolated events of poor parental conduct that the parents themselves may not have been able to adequately anticipate. Parents who make serious mistakes can still effectively share the work of raising the children. Children who frequently witness regrettable incidents many times have parents who do not recognize the child's need for shielding early on and take corrective steps to minimize risk of witnessing future events. Divorce / separation can provide a shield for children who have witnessed regrettable behavior when their parents are together. The increased need for parental contact which comes with Shared Parenting could inadvertently undermine the shield.
Consideration:
Most children whose parents separate are aware of parental conflict. Children whose level of awareness rises to the level where they experience worry regarding the instability of their home have generally not been adequately shielded from conflict. In general, parents who lack insight or personal control to establish shielding boundaries in a disintegrating relationship also lack the ability to take the perspective of the child. This perspective is necessary for high quality Shared Parenting.
Consideration:
The ultimate goal of Shared Parenting is to promote the healthiest bond possible between the child and both parents. Parents who consistently demonstrate evidence of valuing this bond for their child are most likely to commit to the work of Shared Parenting. Parents who show little evidence of valuing this bond are less likely to commit to the work that Shared Parenting requires.
Environmental Factors
Consideration:
Shared Parenting is less a model of parental residence and more a model of parental care. High quality Shared Parenting plans (as opposed to parenting time plans) are constructed around the time when each parent is normally available to be with the child-committing the hands-on time that builds bonds.
Ind. Par. Time. Guid. IV